Home is where the heart is

I messed up,and I will be the first to admit it. I felt things, well I let myself feel things I wasn't ready to feel and now I'm just feeling empty again, missing some key piece of me that I haven't yet found I am not into finding anymore lost pieces. I'm Peter pan looking for my Wendy, the white rabbit looking for Alice to not be late. I don't know where she is. A wonderful pagan woman told me my heart was in New Orleans, and it is but I would rather break my own heart than not be enough for anyone. I don't like feeling like I'm not enough that's not for me and I got it twisted because I thought I could be. I now know I'm wrong and I won't make that same mistake again. I don't know what I'm feeling right now because I have chosen to ignore and move past with anger being the catalyst. Probably not healthy for the average Joe ,but obviously I am not average. I can't say I don't feel because I feel to much and I can't and I'm sick of pretend its time to live in This world with someone who wants my time, and values me and knows I'm enough without question. I know my worth and im worth being someone's somebody not anyone's side piece I'm worth more. I'm worth claiming to someone somewhere just hope I find them and then ill have my home again its where my heart is and it doesn't exist for me. It hasn't for a long time I thought it did for a short period but I thought something was that wasn't and I shouldn't have assumed. Now I know and I knew better and I did it to myself because my walls let down not anymore walls up. Completely.

More

It is totally fine to want more out of life to be the best version of oneself. Although getting there takes more courage and strength than most people have. I often get discouraged wanting to give up, and then I remember I am no quitter, I'm only here to succeed in whatever I put my mind to. Sometimes staying positive is easier said than done, especially when it seems like nothing is happening fast enough for my liking. Patience is something that I am still learning to grasp and hold on to, and someone special to me told me patience is just having a positive attitude why you wait on the outcome you want to happen. It don't mean you have to be ok with how long it takes. So this is where I am, I am impatiently waiting for the next step I have a plan A and B. It is time to move forward and don't give up. I can have hope I can accomplish anything if I can keep myself from giving up on myself. This post is obviously a deeper meaning, positive vibes situation. Sometimes you just have to bring out the best in yourself without hesitating. Look at where it will take you. Life is only what you make of it so make it something later you will be proud of.

Reader ponders

Have you ever stayed up late without meaning to? Like getting lost in the thoughts of what is or what could be? I have found it best to count the blessings in front of you, and to take more control when necessary. Life is not always sunshine and roses, but if you always look forward the possibilities tend to be endless. I won't say anything could happen, but put oneself in the right circumstances.... Although circumstances are ever changing and not knowing what is to come used to scare me now I'm down for whatever whenever, and I apparently have my love in new Orleans I'm thinking about what the reader said to me down there. Everything and I feel like this woman knows me I feel like I know her. To say my love is in new Orleans it only makes me wonder even more, what is it about that place that makes it so magickal what makes me deeper question what is or what I'm going to be. What my future holds I got a double reading change is coming. I have changed everything is different and I'm learning and growing from that. To say my love is in new Orleans I know my heart is no matter how I fight against it its there I already know just can't say or do anything about it. To scared to make a move any move because of rejection or being told its not the same so I just stay quiet. Stuck in this what if loop with thoughts of how I can make something happen that I wish and still wish for. That woman got me thinking hard,harder than most people make me think in general.

Life changed me

Life changed me the past year. I found the career of my dreams, and my place in the world. I lost so much along the way including the woman I was with what seems like forever. A part of me still thinks about her.A part of me wonders if I still love her, but I don't let myself. I will not gloat on love I lost this post is completely about what I have gained. I have gained the freedom to travel withmy career. I have been inthe ocean, actually popped a man of war (long story but true), have been to New Orleans and seen the French quarter, went to Mississippi and met tow mater, so many more cities. I work wothsome of the best people and they all have their own characters nothing short of novel worthy. I am 29 now and figuring my life out finally I have goals a plan and a drive like no other and some day, nerd and all I want to say I told you so. To prove so many people wrong and to show myself I can love myself because you have to love you before anyone else can, and I don't know if I can handle any more heartache but I know I can handle more adventure and work. I am one of a kind and no one can take my stride from me anymore. I hold myself at higher standards and if you aren't on them then you aren't on my radar. its just how it has to be to ensure I get to where I want to go. People read only the things that interest them correct? So it only makes sense to be the most interesting. This change has occurred fromthe inside out and as i continue to grow I can only hope to expand. To keep going to keep pushing to be my best. To know that when love finds me ill be willing to accept it and keep going to keep going and understand my opportunity to be loved and to love proper. Maybe I just am the rabbit in wonderland and am already to late to my date and my time has passed for love,but its only some of the change life is just a series of changes mixed with decision.Perception is reality correct? I do know the one thing I always wanted before getting serious with anyone is a career. I got that now a good one with good co workers. Now do I make the move and start looking or maybe I have found her and she don't know it yet or maybe I'm just not meant to have a wife to call my own and as disappointing as that sounds maybe it is my course even though it's not what I want. I want a beautiful woman with a good heart and who lifts me up when we are down and who only brings out the best in me. I want a real woman not one who crushes my dreams and don't let me try before saying I fail. I need a partner not a property an even equal. I'm just pretty positive she doesn't exist outside of playing pretend or being in the movies. I want more out of life than to sit and watch t.v. all the time I want to experience all aspects of life not get told what my worth is because I know my worth and value now I set my own standards and I'm in love with my career. Now that I have that I need my missing piece the only thing I want is to find my love.