loving hard

Is it wrong to want someone to love as hard as you? 

Is it ok to want someone to chase you?

Can you forgive someone after they have hurt you?

What is the best way to handle it?

Why me?

All of these questions run through my head after working on any relationship, and it not turning out the way you planned. I have learned real love is very hard work because people are human, and humans are all flawed, and what I am meaning is all humans have some imperfection about them. Mouth breather, snoring, you collect something weird, your messy your partner isn't; these are all things that make us human and humans are all not perfect. I have learned neither is love because humans are perfect love can't be perfect, it can't be the glass slipper in Cinderella or the knights storming the castle to slay the dragon, its work and it's not easy to learn to love someone for who they are not their potential, to want to work through things as a team instead of going behind one anothers back to be able to honour one another not only in "title," but with the respect of the relationship itself. To be honest with one another, to work, build together, it sounds like a construction job, and it is. You have to have a stable foundation for that reason then you build the foundation with the other aspects which makes your castle indestructible together and that is the actual romantic idea of love. Forgiveness is part of love and there will be a lot of it but ask yourself is this going to effect us now, a year from now, five years from now, or is it something that I absolutely can not get over? Also, you have to account that you are more refined than the average person and you are forgiving for you not them. This is work I think lately the shadow work that comes with figuring out what kind of love you want and what kind of life you build yourself with what kind of love in it. I handle everything as it comes at me not everyone is the same, the situation, the variables all of the factors I face my problems head on as I have to. I have learned that loving unconditionally comes with alot of work and forgiveness and patience you probably think you don't have. What time is it inside of yourself when you say this is enough and I know what I want and go for it without messing up. You don't this is the whole concept of love is blind your trust that the person who you decide to trust yourself with is going to catch you, to keep you from hitting the ground or hurting you, but this is not always the case. This learning to forgive thing is how people make it fifty years plus and how people stay madly in love with one another. I just want a partnership with someone who understands that love will be work and wants to work together. Doesn't run when things get tough and actually works with you not against you. I crave only what I give, and I realized I crave it because I give it without thought without holding myself back. I just want someone who does the same thing without demanding my playbook plays without earning them. I am simply complex in the way of I do want someone to hold me as accountable as I hold them. I don't yell at people im consistent with my actions. My actual actions and words match where is the equality in the relationship, and this is what I mean by equal. I have longed for the love that is equal and I'm slowly coming to and vibrating on the proper waves. I love hard and I work hard on the things I care about without hoping that I get something in return this time im only giving what I receive. I will not lower myself but vibrate higher to bring those who are equal to my side. Its slowly coming into place and I'm learning to forgive and work and not be afraid to give myself to the right human. I feel love and light and being ok with the challenges is what makes us human. I know that my human exist and im just waiting for her to step up and see what happens. 

Is it destiny

 How to precive destiny vs fate, its weird this becomes the topic of thought and of talk within my morning reading. I feel like destiny lead me where i am today, but fate is the paths to create your own destiny. Creating ones destiny is like carving into a piece of wood trying to figure out the perfect smoothness before sanding it down. Does destiny make us blind to the paths of destiny or does destiny control the paths of fate? Its a huge downstream of big thoughts vs hopes and dreams. We all hope that we have a destiny pre determined by the gods saught out to be the "perfect path." Im slowly learning that there is no perfect path all paths lead to a differnet kind of struggle or problem you must solve to get to the next checkpoint in what we call our written paths. What path determines our destiny or fate for that reason? This is the million dollar question I know more than me has asked nyself. It is a simple but complicated answer, you can not change the past but the future can be forever changing depending on the path you take or in dumb terms your choices. Life when they say can be what you make it they mean just that make good choices have a good life make bad choices... I am sure you can understand from there although they do say people change. Absolutely, I agree, but check this logic it is because they choose to change and make better choices. See logic can be a friend when used for a more clear perception of something. Someone once told me perception is reality just as much as words are magick. So the future can be whatever you want it. Let us just hope there are more seeds than weeds out there who understand life can be a challenge but it can also be very rewarding.  

Making history

I never thought I would be making history being apart of multiple protest in my life, having friends that support me and we support one another in this crazy world. It has been a long time coming, and I am one hundred percent greatful I was brought up the way I was. I will not ever let anyone take away my rights because reguardless of what I do in my bedroom I'm still human. We all bleed the same, I just wished we took all the energy we have put into hating one another into learning, I mean if we would have done that I bet we would have flying cars already and real hoverboards like Back to the Future predicted. It seems to me like the term "one nation" ,has been loosely used to govern a country on what "king" has set the rules at the time. Also, when I say rules I mean in the aspects of you do what I say or this, don't that sound like the old preaching styles of Bellaire, and brimstone? Its oddly familiar that a nation that truly doesn't stand as one has conflict. If history has taught me anything its be kind, learn and if you don't know something don't be afraid to ask questions and educate yourself. There needed to be more love before now because I love America as a country I would just like to see it grow. To those who cleaned and decided to protest I was there I stand with you and I will always stand on the right side of things. 

the world today

My grandparents always told me the world was changing I never understood those terms until I was an adult. I have watched covid 19 change America I have watched hate crimes I have witnessed so much in my short 31 years and been apart of history in some ways... Unfortunately, I have felt the effects of tear gas from a gay pride march that happened. I have been apart of many protest to save trees,the environment, whatever I believed in because I was raised to stand up for my beliefs. The world has changed we have so many people who remain quiet, when others lay beaten, in jail, gassed, mased, or tased with no visible weapons. Why we gotta fight one another we are supposed to be land of the free home of the brave. It seems like not enough blood has been spilled for the wrong reasons throughout time from the way humanity is acting. I'm not saying we should burn down buildings but our voices should always be heard. There is always room enough for the right thing to be done. We are not sheep we will not sleep till justice is served America wake up. Why sit there and act like someone begging for their lives for 8 minutes wouldn't get any American put under a prison, but somehow because you had carried a badge it makes you just lose your job? This country has somehow twisted its own ethics and honour system by betraying the one most common sense thing. Humanity or human rights or even just an ounce of give a dam and it seems that because we look a certain way you get treated a certain way. I am over the policies saying well they were doing their job .All video in fact, has confirmed not even the moment he had that poor man on the ground, leg in neck, was that part of any training. People need to stand together on this one and more than a job needs to be lost.   #ripgeorge #alllivesmatter. 

lesbian vs gamer

so this picture is worth 1000 words. Because as a lesbian I would love a beautiful gamer nerd girl who had long hair and a wonderful smile. Who wanted to talk about the universe together and adventure and do all the wonderful things women in love do. However, the other side of me is torn because how dare you disrespect a vintage console like that like this woman obviously can't be trusted with a controller so can she be trusted with your heart? These are valid questions a picture like this brings up to have to be like yes I want to be in love but is this fish I catch in the ocean worth the heartache? Just this picture can be so much deeper than the average known love picture. Just look at it and ponder...

tribe

I found this and decided to write about some of my travels i have a lot of catching up to do. It has been such a wonderfully, hard, wonderful, happy, exciting and chaotic journey for me. I have been on trips which ill write Seperately about to tell those side missions. I have realised over the years family is what you make of it, it may not even be blood but its still family. I finally found mine after such a long journey here in Florida they are known as the red lion and feel good fam. Its like a hippie gang of do good people who are lighthouses even when they aren't so bright. It seems like I finally found my perfect weird which tends to not come so easily.I have noticed people saying things like, "you guys are so lucky," or "I wish I had friends like that." Y'all we aren't friends we are family we break bread together,fight,love, adventure and sometimes even live together. These people are magick and just like me we are always searching for a greater understanding, more light or even more knowledge. It isn't always a perfect picture, however these humans are the ones who understand me the most and that is what real family is.they put up with you at your worst, love you at your best, and above all support all the crazy dreams and desires you have. They tend to bring out the best in you and I'm lucky to finally have found a garden where I'm not the weirdest flower. Life is so beautiful and I am blessed.

breakout

Its been awhile so where to start. So I have been on a huge journey of self discovery, and I'm no longer angry. I am just another human that is a constant work in progress. I am 100 percent a polyamorus human, and I have learned about unconditional love. What its like to live life without love with boundaries and what life can be with open minds,hearts, heads and of course healthy boundaries. I will admit this journey has had its trials and trust me some of them I thought I was breaking inside however I realised it was just an evolution of my soul, heart and my love. Life has been so much more peaceful since I have quit holding back and just opening myself up even when sometimes I even see the failure ahead. I know now that moving forward open communication is always key to any healthy relationship or evolution to oneself. Its not hard to be a good human. Once you have a true ego death and realise its not selfish to love the way your heart loves,and not restrict it to the usage of what society says is proper. Who is to say what each individual has inside their hearts and how each individual heart so desires. The heart is in the eye of the beholder and it's up to oneself to treat their own hearts right on top of the others they so choose to love. And I have been through battles with people who claim to be monogomaus and then cheating and its like be poly be honest open and communicate. It is different watching from this side and realising that I'm more grown and evolved than I thought.