dumb decision ...

its hard admitting to wrong doings and im caught inside of weir static pain right now.  first time i take a chance since voldermort I get heartbroken no reason and silence and excuse just like my ex and I hate comparing people but why say big words n lie, like my feelings actually hurt and its like im sitting here like wth did I even be honest for from the jump just gets me disappointed in the end atleast I didn't have to go through more bullshit just same old thing different day as usual. I have manifested proper healing and love and its like love doesn't love me back and im done trying to be good guy for all the wrong ones. it makes no sense everyone leaves me feeling left empty from the emotional abuse of it all like im just supposed to fake my actual feelings.   I dont say or do things I dont mean good or bad, but the excuses of women who dont communicate like  disappointed is the word dont use me emotionally or to get back at an ex its super unattractive and unacceptable..... 

Big Changes

As I drop to my knees, I pray for the strength to keep my head held high when it feels like my heart is lost. It's like I was in a relationship with someone who didn't really know me or care to understand my love language. They keep putting the blame on me without giving a sincere apology. I have to remind myself that I've been through this before - it's just a pattern of growth. 

 I'm tired of settling for half-hearted things in my life, so I strive for better. It's frustrating when others try to invalidate my perspective. I may not always be right, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. However, judging my character without truly knowing me is unfair. I understand that I may not be everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay. But it's hard to comprehend why people jump to conclusions and use harsh words without taking the time to get to know me. I was even accused of gaslighting for giving gifts that I thought were thoughtful, only to be let down in the end.

 Love shouldn't have to be so complicated, and life can be disappointing at times. It feels like I'm fighting a battle without knowing what I'm fighting for. I want someone who will say goodnight and good morning, send cute texts throughout the day to show they're thinking of me. I've never had the kind of love I desire. It's frustrating that women expect romance but don't give it in return. I've been gay my whole life and haven't found a romantic partner yet. I crave sweet texts, random kisses, surprises, and special love. As a Disney fan, I long for a fairytale romance, but so far, I've only encountered entitled people who expect everything without giving back. I admit I tend to go all out with gifts and gestures, but maybe I need to find a balance. 

My sister thinks I spoil women too much, but I just want to show my love. I wish someone would surprise me with flowers or gifts without a reason. It's tough feeling different from others, but I know I have a lot of love to give. I used to think I lived in my own little world, seeing things one way. But my experiences have shown me a whole different reality. I've been let down so many times, expecting things to happen that never do. I keep hoping someone will meet me halfway, only to be disappointed over and over again. It's frustrating being a woman who can't understand other women and their actions.

 I however, know I have grown and learned that I'm worthy of someone who is willing to try and meet me in the middle regardless of the situation. so I am trying to be patient and just let her come back to me because it's a want not a need and having to wait is just part of the process.My life coach told me I have been so logical and business for so long sometimes I forget logic its not a part of love, and sometimes not actually part of business because so many people have started off with nothing and became something or got a loan from debt and made a profit. 

I enjoy my life coach and figuring out how im growing and what steps I have already taken. I signed the ADHD contract yesterday and thats a huge deal in itself because its making a promise to myself to be better even when its not easy or when I'm overwhelmed. Also, therapy is going amazing CBT has me reacting completely different and noticing the organization happening the things I work on daily it actually puts a huge smile on my face because I did this without help, besides professional of course. I had one moment of freak out not long ago but I sit down and broke it down breathing through it and I made it no outburst or anything.

 I also know it's not ok how I have been treated in the past and I allowed it to happen to the point that I'm separated from the person I really wanted to marry but apparently I was seen completely different than I actually am so trying to get the person I love to actually get to know me has been the hardest task. its like they just aren't interested in knowing me at all which is kinda heartbreaking but I can't make people like me or talk to me for any reason I can only control my reactions and emotions to things and I am not reactive anymore I'm more like well it happened and I'm here can I fix it? If I can I fix if not I don't. just seeing things differently now and its frustrating that the one person I wished would see it isn't here. i hope they are at least checking in or watching because I want them to know I'm doing my best on becoming the best version of myself and I still love and miss them daily.I know what I want for my future but i don't actually know if my future wants me.

Hardest 24

I woke up today missing you. Usually, I would have wished you a happy anniversary and asked if there's anything specific you want for dinner or if you are working, is there anything you want to do after? But instead, you are almost two hours away and we are separated, and it really sucks.

I celebrated every month because life is tough, and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated you and the love you brought to me on that special day each month. I wanted to create a memory where you knew that one day a month, you could count on me to make it special and make you smile.

However, it seemed like you saw it as an inconvenience and never understood why. I thought it would help with the stress of the world around us, but it didn't get seen that way. I still tried, even though I felt this way.

I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you. I know that words of affirmation mean a lot to you, so I wanted to show my appreciation in the best way I could.

 I realize now that I should have probably talked to you about it and asked for your thoughts, instead of just assuming. I kept trying different things to show my appreciation, but nothing seemed to work. I've never really tried to show appreciation before, especially in such noticeable ways. Like cleaning your car when I clean mine, sending you lunch money when I'm out with friends, washing both cars, cooking for you when you're working, filling up your gas tank when you're low on money, making you lunch when you forget yours, and leaving little notes to show I care. I'm not perfect, but I always go above and beyond for the people I love. I've never gone to such lengths before, and it's not easy feeling hurt and missing you at the same time.

I am still working on becoming the best version of myself and trying to be supportive of you. I recently found out that you felt like I was trying to control you, which came as a surprise to me because that was not my intention at all. I felt like you were not prioritizing important things, and instead, you were spending time goofing off, going to Disney, traveling with friends, and not taking care of responsibilities. This left me feeling confused and concerned.

I was taking care of everything at home, working, and picking up the slack, while you were out having fun. It made me feel used and unappreciated when you would then ask me for money for gas, oil changes, or registration. I don't mind helping out, but feeling this way is difficult and it can really weigh on someone. I understand that there are always two sides to every situation, and it's like a cause and effect scenario. This led to that, and it's clear that we both have our perspectives on the matter.

It has been challenging for me to communicate with someone who doesn't seem interested in communicating. I hope we can work through this together and find a way to better understand each other.

I have always been a firm believer in logic, but I've come to realize that love doesn't always follow logical reasoning. It used to bother me, but now I understand that love is its own unique thing. It doesn't always make sense, but that's just the way it is. Love doesn't always follow the rules of logic, and that's okay. I've learned to trust in this fact and I'm working on it every day. Love truly is blind, and it took me a lifetime to understand that.

Every day, I learn valuable lessons that help me grow and improve. I may not be perfect, but I am always striving to be better than I was before. I am open to new possibilities and challenges, even though it can be daunting to think about the unknown. However, I find it exciting to know that I am on the brink of taking a major step towards creating a better life for myself.

I have always desired a better life for both myself and my loved ones than the one I experienced growing up. Despite facing challenges during my childhood, I have always been able to provide stability for myself and those I care about.

Onward to Davenport Buttercup

I am so excited to finally see Tyler tomorrow! I have been working hard on my house, job, and packing. After looking at 24 houses, I finally submitted applications and Tyler likes the houses. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I found a healthier living situation in Davenport, Florida. The area is perfect for Tyler, Curthis, and me. I can't wait to start this new chapter in our lives. I miss my lady, but I know we are both busy. My goal is to get settled in quickly because a house doesn't feel like home without them. I found my person and I feel incomplete without them. I am proud of our relationship and I hope to inspire them to be the best they can be.

Even though Tyler and I are currently apart, I want them to know that I am fully supporting them and working towards a better future for both of us. I hope that my efforts are recognized, as I am not trying to brag, but simply make wise decisions to secure a stable future for us. I believe actions speak louder than words, especially for people like us who are neurospicy. It's important to show our dedication through our actions, rather than just talking about it.

This new journey we are embarking on will bring peace to our home, improve our mental well-being, and ultimately lead to a better living situation. I won't mention the previous landlord's name for legal reasons, but let's just say we are better off without them.

It's frustrating that it took Tyler leaving, a breakdown, throwing a phone, arguments with friends, tears with my sister, and owning up to my mistakes for things to start falling into place. I guess I still have some lessons to learn the hard way, but that's just the stubborn Taurus in me.

Why is it that life's challenges seem to get tougher as we get older? It's like going from a friendly wrestling match to a full-on cage fight that we're not supposed to talk about. Life sure knows how to throw a punch, doesn't it?

I'm just frustrated that it took me so long and so many trials and so much hardship to get here. I really wish life would calm down and let me ease in. I want my better half to come home because these walls are just walls without the love we shared. I've lived in all kinds of houses all over the place, but I've never felt the calm and good rest I have with this person. I'm getting older and learning more every day, but that doesn't mean I should stop being the charming person they fell in love with. I am calm, centered, and ready to take on the next adventure with open eyes and an open heart. I want to do it right this time and build the strong foundation we deserve. I just wish that foundation didn't take so much depth to get there. Where's the road map to love that says you have to have a breakdown before anything good happens? All these unwritten rules seem to be in place, and no matter how hard someone tries, if it's one-sided, nothing will be done but misery. That's why they say misery loves its own company. Therapy is helping me so much with many things. I can see things differently now, not just from a selfish point of view, but from all points of view. I still wish these walls were filled with the love I have for that woman. By the Gods, I know I have it bad. I try to deny it and be strong, but when that girl smiles at me, my whole world stops moving.I know I'll eventually get it right, with sweat, tears, and all. I'm on a journey to become a better human and strive to be the best version of myself. Even when things get tough, I have to keep pushing myself to improve, stay calm, follow the steps from therapy, and become the person that the world admires for being authentic. My goal is to demonstrate that growth is possible and that hard work pays off. Words of encouragement are crucial during challenging times. I've been making an effort to let Tyler know that I'm proud of them and to keep up the good work. I'm also trying to be understanding and honest at the same time.

Tyler isn't here, but at the same time, I'm happy that it happened because we both needed to grow in order to be better for each other. Do I know if Tyler is coming home? No, but I believe that by being my best self and striving to improve, it might bring her back to me. True love is tough, man. When it ended, it felt like a part of me was missing. I'm emotionally exhausted and just going through the motions right now. My therapist says it's normal because I'm guarding myself from more pain. I know that it's going to take time for us to rebuild, but for this woman, I would definitely make the time. My heart tells me she's worth it, my head says I'm crazy, and my body is just confused. It's like love or a drug addiction, which doesn't sound pleasant at all.I believe that definitely sounds like love. 

I chose this area because it's up-and-coming, just like us striving to be better, less violent, and definitely worth the price. Haha, just kidding, but seriously, it's worth it when we're together. Plus, there's more nature around here, making it easier to stay grounded and connected to my virtues and spirit. It took me a while to get back to practicing my virtues daily and following the path of light effortlessly.

I'm in a new area now, hoping for a calmer atmosphere. Unfortunately, the plants don't seem to grow in the ground here where we are currently. The only way to change that is to improve myself, work harder, and tap into the magick I was born with, and obviously new city.

lessons

Being in a relationship with someone who thrives on not having priorities situated, distorts truth and seeks to dismantle your sense of self will eventually leave you questioning reality itself, unknowingly guiding you into a constant state of panic within ever simple interaction, or becoming bitter to the existence of life itself. So, the question screams to be asked, just why would the universe allow anyone to enter our lives that he knows is a unprioitized person? Why would the universe permit us to endure a constant state of trying to be good enough for the approval of one who constantly gaslights, seeks attention in ever venue, even if it isn’t theirs.  them as the victim of a mistake that was really just a pattern of purposeful defiance in order to get their way, and when they finally disrupt the fabric of important relationships, will go onto blame it one one mistake, when it has really just been their life’s quest to be seen and heard, and not serve and love. So why would the universe allow such a thing? The answer, although very uncomfortable is deeply rooted in the very nature of spiritual growth. The universe never promised a life of ease, but did promise that every hardship would serve a purpose. Just as fire refines gold, suffering refines the soul. We were not given this opportunity to just drift through life unchallenged, but we’re created and given the opportunities to grow, and true transformation requires difficulties that demand suffering. It demands that we confront darkness, and not to justify it in making it work because another person is this or that to us, no matter the position they hold in our lives, so as not to consume us, but that we may rise above it with a greater awareness of our worth into a deeper faith that cannot be shaken. It is no accident that you find yourself in such a battle. It is a call to arms by establishing boundaries where none existed, to stand firm in truth where lies have flourished, going onto build up your faith that will serve you for the rest of your life. So what will you do with the lesson? Continue a life of brokenness, constantly living in fear with a defeated spirit, or to grow beyond the control that only cares to use you for an unholy purpose. Some pagans masquerade as people of light, but to know the difference is to know the universe and God's first, seek them first, and they will pull away the veil they are hiding behind. But for the ones who deem that relationship more important than them, they will give you the space to see, until you come into the realization of the truly demonic force in their life. Control people will leave you bitter and broken, essentially robbing you of your calling, every trying to make their deceptive darkness work in your life. Enough already, decide in whom you’re going to give yourself to, one leads to uncertainty around every corner with fake apologies over and over to keep you bound, and the other leads to life. Pray, be patient, and lean on the Gods, in their good timing you will know when and how to set boundaries that just may lead them into true repentance. Being an enabler for their behavior will destroy both you and them.

positive thoughts big feelings

I am working hard to become the best version of myself, not only for me but also for the person I love. It's tough knowing that my actions have caused some hurt, and I miss her a lot. I'm trying not to show it, but I'm pretty sure she knows. I'm trying to keep things casual so I don't push her away, and I want her to know that I'm here and giving my best effort every day, not just some days.

I know it's going to take time to rebuild trust after everything that happened. Being off medication that was holding me back has been a game-changer. It was exhausting dealing with the side effects of those meds, and I can only imagine how tough it was for my partner. I'm grateful that she stuck by me through it all, but I've learned that I can't take SSRIs - they just don't agree with me.

It almost feels like I'm in rehab trying to get back to normal. I scared everyone around me, and that's not how I want to live. So, I've been flushing my system, hitting the reset button, apologizing for my mistakes, reconnecting with family and friends, and focusing on my work goals. It's like I'm back in school, trying to find my way back to myself.

I know I'm going to have to work hard to pass all my lessons and keep it up to maintain my health and mindset. I find myself wondering what happened to the person I used to see in the mirror. They disappeared when that bottle messed up my system. So, I had to cleanse myself, clean my energy, tidy up my house, and get my life back together. Looking around, I realized how much of a mess it had become.

I miss that part of my heart that makes me smile. It's tough to pretend it doesn't matter because it really does. I miss the smiles, the good morning kisses, the "I love you" at night, and most of all, asking how their day is going. Love isn't easy, guys. If you find someone worth the effort, just go for it. It's worth it. I know this person is the most important thing in my life right now. I can see a future with them, but I messed up the present. So, I'm praying for a miracle.

I've pulled some cards and they say to be patient. I'm trying my best to be patient, checking in, apologizing for everything, and letting them know I miss them - which is rare for me. I thought they would understand, but they always say they don't miss me yet. It's tough because I just want to hold them and assure them everything will be okay. I want to make sure I never make their heart sad again.

Love is so complex with all these rules. I'm reaching for myself and my heart this time, hoping it will come back and understand that I love making them smile. I intend to do it for the rest of our lives, if they let me. 

I really wish they would talk to me and let me know what I can do to fix things and mend the broken bond. I gave her back her key and told her to come home whenever she's ready. It's like that song "Austin" - I still love her and every night I keep the porch light on, secretly hoping she'll come back. But I know I need to be brave and patient. Right now, all I want to do is curl up with my lady and cry, but I have to wait for her to make the first move. I just want her to open up, say hello, and work on the changes needed to keep her in my life. I know she's the one for me, but I'm not sure what she's thinking or feeling.

I really hope she understands that I'm always on her side. I would go to the moon and back just to bring her a moon rock if I could. I would even take on the whole world to keep her safe. That's how I know I love her with all my heart, not just half of it.

Once again, I need to stay patient and positive. Hopefully, I can correct the mistakes I've made by striving to be the best version of myself every day

.

Rebranding

Rebranding any brand can be challenging, but redefining your own brand is even tougher, especially if it has been tarnished in some way. It can be difficult to figure out what you want out of life, and once you do, it's up to you to define your brand - what you represent, stand for, believe in, and your code of honor.

One of the toughest things I've learned about improving a brand is how to lead from the front. It means not being petty, staying strong even when you feel weak, putting your best foot forward in stressful situations, and being authentic, loyal, and trustworthy. These are also qualities I look for in a relationship, and I've realized that I need to work on my own brand to attract the same kind of energy.

So, I'm focusing on vibrating at my highest power and staying calm no matter what storms come my way. It's all about staying true to myself and projecting that positivity out into the world.

I now understand why I didn't get the promotion at work. When I first heard the feedback that it wasn't my time, I was really upset. I thought, "What do you mean it's not my time? Are you saying you don't believe in me or that my time isn't valuable?" I was thinking all sorts of negative thoughts. But then it hit me - it's about the brand I represent. I need to come across as confident, not arrogant. I need to be a learner, not a know-it-all. And I need to be a better listener. I realized I need to listen more, talk less, ask questions, and lead by example.

It's not going to be easy, but I want my personal brand to be like Chanel, not Dollar Tree. I want to be top-notch, consistent, and reliable. The work I produce will always be top quality. I need to be willing to be vulnerable with the people I care about most. This is the kind of brand I want to build for myself.

I know that rebranding will require hard work and patience. I'll admit, I'm not the most patient person, but that's all part of the process. Good things take time to come to fruition, and I'm ready to put in the effort and wait for the results. It's a bit intimidating, but I'm willing to push through and come out stronger in the end. I want to be able to stand behind what I represent and see that reflected in my success.

Let my actions speak for themselves as I strive to improve and build a better brand. This journey reminds me of my time on Team Phoenix at Atnt, where we rose from the ashes to create something better. Sales have taught me a lot and have shaped the way I view things and make decisions. It takes a strong-willed person to succeed in sales, and not everyone is cut out for it. I'm ready to take on the challenge and see where it leads me.

This journey is all about making choices - either to succeed or to fail and end up somewhere you don't want to be, doing things you only half-heartedly enjoy. I want to love what I do and feel proud of myself at the end of the day, knowing that I'm doing it for me and no one else. Everything has been happening, but it's been tough because I started something and didn't realize I wasn't finishing it - just leaving it half-done. Even in my professional life, I do well in sales, but my brand is only half-baked. Instead of settling for something half-done, I want something complete and ready to thrive. It's definitely going to be a day-by-day process.