I am working hard to become the best version of myself, not only for me but also for the person I love. It's tough knowing that my actions have caused some hurt, and I miss her a lot. I'm trying not to show it, but I'm pretty sure she knows. I'm trying to keep things casual so I don't push her away, and I want her to know that I'm here and giving my best effort every day, not just some days.
I know it's going to take time to rebuild trust after everything that happened. Being off medication that was holding me back has been a game-changer. It was exhausting dealing with the side effects of those meds, and I can only imagine how tough it was for my partner. I'm grateful that she stuck by me through it all, but I've learned that I can't take SSRIs - they just don't agree with me.
It almost feels like I'm in rehab trying to get back to normal. I scared everyone around me, and that's not how I want to live. So, I've been flushing my system, hitting the reset button, apologizing for my mistakes, reconnecting with family and friends, and focusing on my work goals. It's like I'm back in school, trying to find my way back to myself.
I know I'm going to have to work hard to pass all my lessons and keep it up to maintain my health and mindset. I find myself wondering what happened to the person I used to see in the mirror. They disappeared when that bottle messed up my system. So, I had to cleanse myself, clean my energy, tidy up my house, and get my life back together. Looking around, I realized how much of a mess it had become.
I miss that part of my heart that makes me smile. It's tough to pretend it doesn't matter because it really does. I miss the smiles, the good morning kisses, the "I love you" at night, and most of all, asking how their day is going. Love isn't easy, guys. If you find someone worth the effort, just go for it. It's worth it. I know this person is the most important thing in my life right now. I can see a future with them, but I messed up the present. So, I'm praying for a miracle.
I've pulled some cards and they say to be patient. I'm trying my best to be patient, checking in, apologizing for everything, and letting them know I miss them - which is rare for me. I thought they would understand, but they always say they don't miss me yet. It's tough because I just want to hold them and assure them everything will be okay. I want to make sure I never make their heart sad again.
Love is so complex with all these rules. I'm reaching for myself and my heart this time, hoping it will come back and understand that I love making them smile. I intend to do it for the rest of our lives, if they let me.
I really wish they would talk to me and let me know what I can do to fix things and mend the broken bond. I gave her back her key and told her to come home whenever she's ready. It's like that song "Austin" - I still love her and every night I keep the porch light on, secretly hoping she'll come back. But I know I need to be brave and patient. Right now, all I want to do is curl up with my lady and cry, but I have to wait for her to make the first move. I just want her to open up, say hello, and work on the changes needed to keep her in my life. I know she's the one for me, but I'm not sure what she's thinking or feeling.
I really hope she understands that I'm always on her side. I would go to the moon and back just to bring her a moon rock if I could. I would even take on the whole world to keep her safe. That's how I know I love her with all my heart, not just half of it.
Once again, I need to stay patient and positive. Hopefully, I can correct the mistakes I've made by striving to be the best version of myself every day
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